Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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