i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
