If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
