she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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