He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
