I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
