My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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