i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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