I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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