ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
