It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
false alarm. still invincible.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He keeps bees of course he's weird
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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