My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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