hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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