but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You left your underwear on the fireplace
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
