He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Just pee around me
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
