she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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