i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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