someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
