shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
