I feel like I'm in dance class right now
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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