you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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