Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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