I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
