Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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