Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
did you just send me my own nude
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
