i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
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