i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
