I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
