I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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