I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
