I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
