he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
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