i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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