i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Just high enough for therapy.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
