I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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