i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize