I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
