just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Little spoons don't ask big questions
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
