life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
