Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
