he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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