You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
