If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
