I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
