I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize