If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize