i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
my sisters under your porch take her home
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
