and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
