the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize