OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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