How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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