Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Who put my cat in the fridge?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
