Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
