The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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