Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
