she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
