Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
