I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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