Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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