here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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