a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
