i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
