He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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