I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
