I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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