I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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