what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
